I really have wanted my blog to reflect the happy person I felt like I always was. I started the blog because I no longer felt like that person, I want to force myself to find my happiness in life. I now feel like it was a way to make a lie to myself even bigger, “I really am happy!”, “Things are great!” etc. You can only lie to yourself so many times. You learn your own tells.
So here is the truth:
Life is turned upside down. It’s my own doing…..and his. 10 years of marriage and we have nothing to show for it. In fact I had to borrow money from my mother to have money to get around on this week. I have no job, but I have a roof over my head and a family that supports my decision. I left Him. I feel nothing like the person he met 14 years ago. I was 98 pounds of bubbly happy positive energy. I had a great outlook on life. I don’t see her anymore. I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do. In the end I was going to ask for a trial separation period in 2011. Wait it through the holidays. But Thanksgiving he made my decision for me. No need to say what went down, just that it shouldn’t have happened and that it isn’t that bad, but it was the final straw, no trial separation, just done. I packed my bag and left, we were staying at his Dad’s house over the holiday house sitting and so I packed and left. Then spent the whole weekend in another town. Stayed with friends. It was good for me. I felt the lightest I have felt in years. The knot in my stomach went away and things kept happening that felt like fate. A song, a phone call, the use of a phrase my Grandmother would say to me. They all felt pivotal. I am breaking his heart (and my own) and I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for it. But I feel like he stole a little of my soul. I am claiming it back. Looking to the future. Putting myself into school. Making my own future. Living my life the way I feel it should go. Selfishly. For Me.
No regrets. I hurt but it’s a good hurt. I cry but they are tears for what we had, not where we are now.