This life we live

Life is vastly different from when I kept this blog a few years back.  If you want to follow how my life is going I am settling into a new spot http://www.flutterbyebye.com

 

 

Butterflies: Life update

Butterflies: Life Update

I am insanely happy with my life choices right now!  I am over halfway through my first REAL semester of college and am maintaining an A average in my classes.  I signed up for summer term and I have my first spring break coming up in 14 years.  I think that I am actually doing spring break stuff THIS weekend thanks to a very close man friend taking me to Panama City Beach for a long weekend.  😉

My friends are wonderful, supportive and I adore them all!  They have rallied around me in my time of divorce and I only hope they feel the love back from me.  Especially that wonderful man friend that has maintained a great relationship with me long distance.  Tallahassee is a 2.5 hour drive and well worth it when you get spoiled like I have been.  I get princess treatment and it is refreshing to get away from the hustle, gossip and drama here in Jacksonville.  Fancy hotels, nice restaurants and all the attention I can handle and I grin from ear to ear like a school girl.  Seriously, cannot wipe the grin off my face.

 

Perma-grin on my thinner face!

 

 

I am still dropping weight like crazy and did a comparison from last year to this year on my Facebook page and you can see how my face has changed shaped.  Fifty two pounds and counting!  I walk and walk and then push and walk some more.  The fancy restaurants are not helping this though!  But every few weekends an indulgent few days are fine.

No, I haven’t abandoned my blog.  I will return to it on a regular basis soon, but I needed to distance myself from some aspects of the internet overshare that I was doing.

Hopefully I can post the next week with some great beach pictures.  I am praying for some sunshine and warm weather for our weekend away.  So far the weather channel is telling me it will be nice!

Things that have been making me smile lately:

*Champagne brunch *bright new purses made of recycled materials *herbs and flowers making the backyard cheery *”Change sides it’s halftime” *Music of any kind.  I dance and sing to everything I hear lately! *My new Seminole t-shirt *Buying clothes in smaller sizes!

The Truth Hurts

I really have wanted my blog to reflect the happy person I felt like I always was.  I started the blog because I no longer felt like that person, I want to force myself to find my happiness in life.  I now feel like it was a way to make a lie to myself even bigger, “I really am happy!”,  “Things are great!” etc.  You can only lie to yourself so many times.  You learn your own tells.

So here is the truth:

Life is turned upside down.  It’s my own doing…..and his.  10 years of marriage and we have nothing to show for it.  In fact I had to borrow money from my mother to have money to get around on this week.  I have no job, but I have a roof over my head and a family that supports my decision.  I left Him.  I feel nothing like the person he met 14 years ago.  I was 98 pounds of bubbly happy positive energy.  I had a great outlook on life.  I don’t see her anymore.  I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do.  In the end I was going to  ask for a  trial separation period in 2011.  Wait it through the holidays.  But Thanksgiving he made my decision for me.  No need to say what went down, just that it shouldn’t have happened and that it isn’t that bad, but it was the final straw, no trial separation, just done.  I packed my bag and left, we were staying at his Dad’s house over the holiday house sitting and so I packed and left.  Then spent the whole weekend in another town.  Stayed with friends.  It was good for me.  I felt the lightest I have felt in years.  The knot in my stomach went away and things kept happening that felt like fate.  A song, a phone call, the use of a phrase my Grandmother would say to me.  They all felt pivotal.  I am breaking his heart (and my own) and I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for it.  But I feel like he stole a little of my soul.  I am claiming it back.  Looking to the future.  Putting myself into school.  Making my own future.  Living my life the way I feel it should go.  Selfishly.  For Me.

No regrets.  I hurt but it’s a good hurt.  I cry but they are tears for what we had, not where we are now.

Beats: Crystal Castles

Favorite old meets favorite new! I can’t stop listening to this on repeat. I demand more…..please…..with a cherry on top!

Butterflies: Things That Make My Heart Flutter

Random Bits Of Happy

Oh this week! I cannot even begin to express! The last few weeks, I was at the point of giving up. I was trying to stay positive but having a really hard time doing so. Right at the point of hitting despair I get a phone call for an interview for the next week. That weekend I spent the evening with friends telling me I can do it, I’m smart & talented and I will get it! I put on my best smiley face and can do attitude and interviewed. So last Friday I was elated! I had done what many here in Florida are having a VERY hard time doing….getting a JOB! This week I started on Wednesday and so far it seems wonderful. A small IT company that’s been in business for 8 years. The owner is just this positive, nice man that is genuinely excited about what he does. It’s very refreshing! So here I go….learning what I can to do a great job and be his brilliant Administrative Assistant. It has me excited! (I just had to edit the paragraph and delete my over-use of exclamation points. LOL)

This week I think the number one thing that has me happy is the job. All else could be black and dismal and I would still have a grin from ear to ear.

The office is so nice that this is my view from the BATHROOM!

Bathroom of Wow!

My friends make me really happy! They offer such good advice and positive lifting words when things get tough. I am very thankful for them! Sherry, Jes, Heather, Stephanie, Kelly, Violet, Sarah thank you all!

Me and one of my besties....Sherry!

Quick Mentions

* King Fantastic – his music is making me move * Waldo trip with Heather * Just Dance on Wii – Can you say Spice Girls * Get togethers – Fall Birthday parties * the Amy’s singing me Celebration! * Chris & Chad buying me congratulatory rounds at the bar. * Sunday funday or how we spent our hangover…right Steph? * jamming to Ghostland Observatory & Die Anterwoord * bumble bee puppy costumes!

Butterflies: Things That Make My Heart Flutter

Random Bits of Happy

This has been a strange but inviting week.  I’ve been spending time job searching between fun and interesting time with friends.

Honey smiles after her first trip to a dog park!

I got huge smiles and lots of naptime after I met up with my girlfriend Heather for her day off and we took our dogs to a nearby dog park.  It was a great way to get Honey used to an off leash area with NO other dogs except her buddy Benny.  She is cool with him and they had the park to themselves to run in.  It had been raining the day before, so I took a graceful slide in mud and Honey fell IN, yes completely IN a deep puddle.  It was all quite funny.  We went to Starbucks afterward for coffee for me, water for Heather and a doggie latte for our pooches…(whip cream in a kiddie cup).

Heather spoiling me rotten with good foods!

That same gorgeous Monday we went back to Heather’s apartment for lunch where she proceeded to make green salsa, and Beef Chile Colorado which we had in tortillas with black beans.  Get this….this wonderfully talented woman even sent me home with canned left over sauces.  *psst* The Green salsa is gone and so is the walnut blue cheese bread you sent home with me.  SOOOO yum!  I love days of indulgence.

Tegan and Sara 9-2-10 in St. Augustine, FL

The Tegan and Sara show last night was wonderful.  They played all of the songs I longed to hear in concert, they were adorable and quirky and the show was great!  I got a ride down with a new friend with whom she and I keep finding things in common, she was taking her daughter down for her birthday since the big name band playing was Paramore.  It was tweens everywhere.  Terrell was racing the clock, he got off work at 6:15 and showed up at the show in the middle of Tegan and Sara’s first song.  It was the best timing and we had such a good time!

Quick mentions

* Coffee with Ethan * Dinner in the rain with my husband * Late night talks * making amends * reading in the sunlight * Searching for a job on a quilt in my backyard while Honey plays and chases dragonflies * The dozen or so butterflies that have crossed my path this week! * This song makes me want to dream a little more and smile a lot more. * My first pair of TOMS shoes were bought with birthday money (I saved gift cards and had almost forgotten about them!) * My husband singing songs but changing the words to fit his life, singing about me and the puppy….it really makes me fall in love with him a little more every time he does this. * Finding out carrot dogs still exist and planning to eat one Saturday! * Three day weekends with my happy little family! and winning tickets for MMA for my man thanks to twitter re-tweets!

Enjoy your 3 day weekend!  Happy Labor Day Weekend and

Happy 35th Anniversary to my parents!

Butterflies: Video that chills

I love Bjork and this cover in her honor is so GOOD!

Spiderwebs

I’ve been on sort of a self imposed hiatus.  I just couldn’t post, a dark place took over and I found myself not wanting to look at the good things going on around me.  I still don’t have a job, I am applying left and right, about 10-20 resumes are sent out a week to open jobs, but most places never respond back (with nearly 12% unemployment here, companies are flooded when they open a position).  I call a temp agency usually every 2 weeks just to check in, and have interviewed….but not really gotten anywhere.  It’s frustrating.  It’s down right depressing.  I know it’s not just me, many friends are unemployed and feel this way.

I am trying really hard to brush off the spiderwebs and find my mojo again.  I need my lust for life and positivity back.  I need to stop this self pity it’s leaving dust where my happy used to be.  I need to find my glow again and stop putting it on with a blush brush.  Faux glow just ain’t doing it anymore.

I am starting to apply at retail stores, just as a confidence boost to actually have a place to go, a paycheck be it small, but something better than the measly unemployment check that I’m getting.  I want to feel me again.  I want to feel worthy.  I love the people in my life and am so lucky to have such a loving husband and friends, people who have put up with my quiet and my tears.

Any suggestions are welcome….until then I will be trying my best to find and post just a little happy.

Today my happy is puppy kisses, a day in the middle of the week with my husband (he had a vacation day to use!), double coupons at Bath and Body Works….came home with a huge bag of new smells for only $10!!!  and reading while it rains (Eat, Pray, Love).

Butterflies: My long weekend….potential

Our weekend…kinda shoot from the hip, a lot of it can change at a moments notice. We are picking up a girlfriend from the airport tonight, she got a job a month ago and has been training for 2 weeks in AL so she returns tonight.  We might go out for a beer before after we get her home.  She lives in these really cool lofts downtown, so on her suggestion we might drop off her bag and then walk to The Sinclair or Dos Gatos….they are about 4-8 walking blocks from her place depending on which one.

The Sinclair

Tomorrow we don’t have any real plans but we haven’t been to the Riverside Arts Market in a bit and that’s a fun hodge podge of creativity, art and food vendors that happens every Saturday under the bridge.  That evening we might hang out with some friends, but no plans have been made, we are having dinner with My Brother and his wife and another couple we are both friends with at PF Changs and then might go somewhere with them for a drink.

RAM

Sunday is normally beach day for T.  If it still is I’ll get up early and go with him.  I have a big beach umbrella and some good books that need to be read.  He surfs usually from 8-12 or longer if the waves are good.  I take water and snacks and we go to the place that we can still drive on the beach.  I layout and try to make my legs less translucent while using spf 30 or above (I think my current bottle is 45), it usually allows a little color without burns.

That same evening my man and I are going to babysit for my Brother’s kids while they go to an event.  They should be in bed already, but the 2 year old tends to get up and the baby is 4 months old so I’ll feed him a bottle when he wakes up.  It should be a quiet evening watching a show on on-demand or what not.

Monday is up in the air but I think we might go down to St. Augustine and see T’s Mom for a friend of her’s Memorial Day party.  It’s been a few weeks since we saw her and she’s living on her own right now while her husband works in California, so T has been trying to go down there more often to check on his Momma!

What are your plans for the long weekend?

Butterflies: A Happy Moment

I am still here!  The joblessness in a state that has a 12% unemployment rate has just got me a little down and out.  Trying new things to bring up my mood a bit.  Until then, here is a favorite picture I took this weekend.  My man surfing, I was walking the beach, taking pictures and reading my book club’s current wonderful selection “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” on a blanket under a beach umbrella.  Pretty much a perfect day.  The Vitamin D did my mood wonders!

T catching a wave in!

Oh and just because….a closer look….

Closer.....

I feel better now that I posted SOMETHING!  How are you doing?  I hope you haven’t given up on my blog….I will return full on soon I am sure.  I am feeling better, even if I am still looking for that  j.o.b.