Life is vastly different from when I kept this blog a few years back. If you want to follow how my life is going I am settling into a new spot http://www.flutterbyebye.com
Butterflies: Life Update
I am insanely happy with my life choices right now! I am over halfway through my first REAL semester of college and am maintaining an A average in my classes. I signed up for summer term and I have my first spring break coming up in 14 years. I think that I am actually doing spring break stuff THIS weekend thanks to a very close man friend taking me to Panama City Beach for a long weekend. 😉
My friends are wonderful, supportive and I adore them all! They have rallied around me in my time of divorce and I only hope they feel the love back from me. Especially that wonderful man friend that has maintained a great relationship with me long distance. Tallahassee is a 2.5 hour drive and well worth it when you get spoiled like I have been. I get princess treatment and it is refreshing to get away from the hustle, gossip and drama here in Jacksonville. Fancy hotels, nice restaurants and all the attention I can handle and I grin from ear to ear like a school girl. Seriously, cannot wipe the grin off my face.
I am still dropping weight like crazy and did a comparison from last year to this year on my Facebook page and you can see how my face has changed shaped. Fifty two pounds and counting! I walk and walk and then push and walk some more. The fancy restaurants are not helping this though! But every few weekends an indulgent few days are fine.
No, I haven’t abandoned my blog. I will return to it on a regular basis soon, but I needed to distance myself from some aspects of the internet overshare that I was doing.
Hopefully I can post the next week with some great beach pictures. I am praying for some sunshine and warm weather for our weekend away. So far the weather channel is telling me it will be nice!
Things that have been making me smile lately:
*Champagne brunch *bright new purses made of recycled materials *herbs and flowers making the backyard cheery *”Change sides it’s halftime” *Music of any kind. I dance and sing to everything I hear lately! *My new Seminole t-shirt *Buying clothes in smaller sizes!
I have started a list of things that I want to do in 2011. Some of them are serious, some of them are silly fun things, some are just goals that I should be moving towards every year in my life.
I’ve been adding to the list the past couple of days. It could keep growing and changing but I wanted to share at the point it is now since I reached 21 items on my list.
This is not to say it’s going to be EASY, it’s going to take work to reach my goals, that’s not to say it will be rainbows and moon beams and smiles. I know it’s going to be a hard year for me, a divorce looms in my near future and that can never be easy. The separation has taken from me even though it has also given. I look forward to taking back my last name. Letting go and praying that I find myself, that I find my strength, that I find my happiness again. As I take steps forward I feel wonderful moments of elation, I feel moments of great happiness when I meet a personal goal that I have set for myself.
1. Go back to school (this goal has already been set in motion – I start Jan 11th!)
2. Get my passport
3. Travel (I have plans for NY, Miami, Jekyll Island(not far I know, but a family wedding), and possibly….Japan!)
4. See one of my favorite bands
5. See a brand new band (I love music!)
6. Continue weight loss & exercise (already started but I also joined Weight Watchers & have exercise goals planned)
7. Start training to be able to do a small marathon (I have plans in March to walk a small marathon with my Aunt & cousins!)
8. Ride a motorcycle
9. Ride a horse
10. See snow (still haven’t seen the kind of snow that you can build a snowman in. Just melty icey stuff here in FL)
11. Continue fixing my credit and putting money away (already started, but needs to continue!)
12. Get acupuncture for always stressed out back (I’m a worrier, I hold my stress in my back)
13. Give some free time to a good cause (already in planning, more on this later)
14. Participate in a flash mob (these look like SO much fun)
15. Go on a cruise
16. Visit Hostel in the Forest
17. Take belly dancing classes (signing up this week for a 6 week course)
18. Finish learning how to knit so you can follow a pattern – make fingerless gloves (found a place to take classes!)
19. Fix my tattoo on my back as it’s flash art and I want it to be pretty & unique
20. Start learning a language
21. Learn to love yourself more, fear less, stress less and you can be loved more freely
Do you have goals set, or resolutions? Do you share any of mine and want to join me? There are some special people in my life that I plan on sharing some of these goals with. I am so very thankful for the friends in my life that are supporting my goals and lending encouragement – you are awesome and I love you gals & guys!
* I feel like my life is becoming me listing out my “firsts”. My first ever road trip alone. It was a quick decision and with a few phone calls I was a few hours away from a quick trip. Cranked the music and I sang out loud both to and from. It was so much fun. To the friends that let me stay: Thank you for my weekend of ME. It was an entire weekend of firsts for me! It gave me the confidence to keep moving ahead on my own.
* My support group of friends and family. My life is full of amazing, beautiful, strong women that have moved forward in my life to make sure I know that I have their friendship and love in my hard times. It has brought me to my knees in thanks for such special people in my life right now.
* Exercise. It has given me the strength to move forward. To release any emotion I have that I need to push to the surface. Walking my butt off and loving it.
*Music. It is pushing me in my life, in my exercise and letting me be OK with my emotions. House music is really pivotal right now too, it’s upbeat and energetic. These 2 songs are really helpful right now:
* Going out dancing! * The sweet supportive words I keep getting from friends. * Jack & Coke with my Brother. * Having cute boys tell me “You Killed it!” as I leave the dance floor. * Slumber party with my girlfriend (really just staying at her place, but hey….it’s a slumber party to me!) * Life handing you such strange signs that CANNOT be ignored. * Unemployment kicking back in. * Pink Sheets, frou frou spray and lots of pillows. * The middle of the bed. * Plans for my life * Phone calls that keep coming * “melt”
I really have wanted my blog to reflect the happy person I felt like I always was. I started the blog because I no longer felt like that person, I want to force myself to find my happiness in life. I now feel like it was a way to make a lie to myself even bigger, “I really am happy!”, “Things are great!” etc. You can only lie to yourself so many times. You learn your own tells.
So here is the truth:
Life is turned upside down. It’s my own doing…..and his. 10 years of marriage and we have nothing to show for it. In fact I had to borrow money from my mother to have money to get around on this week. I have no job, but I have a roof over my head and a family that supports my decision. I left Him. I feel nothing like the person he met 14 years ago. I was 98 pounds of bubbly happy positive energy. I had a great outlook on life. I don’t see her anymore. I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do. In the end I was going to ask for a trial separation period in 2011. Wait it through the holidays. But Thanksgiving he made my decision for me. No need to say what went down, just that it shouldn’t have happened and that it isn’t that bad, but it was the final straw, no trial separation, just done. I packed my bag and left, we were staying at his Dad’s house over the holiday house sitting and so I packed and left. Then spent the whole weekend in another town. Stayed with friends. It was good for me. I felt the lightest I have felt in years. The knot in my stomach went away and things kept happening that felt like fate. A song, a phone call, the use of a phrase my Grandmother would say to me. They all felt pivotal. I am breaking his heart (and my own) and I feel like the biggest bitch in the world for it. But I feel like he stole a little of my soul. I am claiming it back. Looking to the future. Putting myself into school. Making my own future. Living my life the way I feel it should go. Selfishly. For Me.
No regrets. I hurt but it’s a good hurt. I cry but they are tears for what we had, not where we are now.
*I found this video via Coilhouse and it makes me ridiculously happy! I love the Numa Numa song in all it’s weird strange European Boy Band Glory and it makes me giggly. To see this ballerina get all goofy and still have the ballerina moves, well it’s just awesome-sauce!
*We are house sitting for my Father-In-Law and it’s fun to find my husband’s old family photos (pictures OF pictures…sorry for the quality, will have to scan sometime for him!).
A house where pieces of furniture or pictures have meaning. It’s fun. It’s also nice to be on our own for a bit. We are enjoying just being a couple. Quiet time, just each other to talk to, dinner together. It’s been missed living with my parents and yet, with another job set back it will still continue until we can get back on our feet. It is what it is and we will embrace the alone time for now!
* Staying my Father-In-Law’s means I am close to downtown, so I look forward to a trip to the library. The big one, my favorite one, the one with the upstairs garden! I will take pictures amongst the stacks to share. It’s such a beautiful library and is so very big.
*Teaching myself to purl. So proud. yep. *Witch House – specifically oOoOO and White Ring *A candle called Fireside….it smells JUST like sitting fireside….I can’t get enough of it. *My puppy’s new emo sweater (pictures to come…) *Drinking in the swamp *Friends that have a beer ready after a bad day. *T being so supportive and understanding during hard times, he IS my rock!
I will always love their sound, I will always be a fan. And here they are again showing how relevant they still can be! Love it.
Pet Shop Boys – Together (Official Video) [HD]
Pet Shop Boys | Myspace Music Videos